A Taxonomist

I’ve spent my life studying microorganisms, and I can tell you conclusively why viruses are not alive. How would you define life? That’s a possibility, but those attributes extend to corpses. The four criteria I use for discerning living beings from the unloving are that they eat, shit, fuck and die. Viruses consume nothing, they just destroy; they don’t metabolize, so they don’t properly shit; they hijack other beings for reproduction, not reproducing themselves, you see; and they don’t die. I’ll explain. In order to immobilize viral pathogens, you have to completely destroy it, or else it will still reproduce.